Read past issues of Rusty Brain. 

021 - Secrets of the Successful Marriage
The world record for the longest marriage belongs to Harold and Jacqueline Odd, of Dumas, Texas, at 83 years. The Odds were married in 1918, had three children, and never lived in Australia. My point? With my marriage advice, the right person, and some herbs from Tibet, you've got a shot at beating the Odds.
Published 7 March 2002.

020 - Naming Baby
We've got a new baby and a new challenge. Naming a child is an important part of parenting. Give a child a good name, someday he might be a senator. Give a child a bad name, he might end up as, say, a senator. That's a bad example, but you get the idea. 
Published 27 August 2001.  

019 - Responsibility is such an ugly word
In one month, I'll be a father. I realize now that I've been way too responsible. I didn't realize how much I could have been messing around. Why have I been gainfully employed for the last 15 years? What was I thinking? 
Published 17 July 2001.  

018 - Rock of the Aged
A recounting of our recent experience seeing a Tom Petty show at Red Rocks Amphitheater. "It was a special night. We kissed. We held hands. And as we made our way back to our seats, we carefully avoided the young couple who were also sharing a special moment as she barfed and he held her hair out of her barf stream." 
Published 18 May 2001.  

017 - How to be Happy
Americans are obsessed with making ourselves better. Smarter. Thinner. All of these things dance around the essential truth: we want to be happy. Here is the Rusty Brain Guide: How To Be Happy. 
Published 8 March 2001.  

016 - Commandments of the Garage
Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil U-joint.
Published 13 Feb 2001.  

015 - Arise, Middle America!
Forget the Democrats and the Republicans. Let's wipe the slate clean and start over. It's time for a new political party of the center.
Published 16 Jan 2001.

014 - Top Tunes of 2000
Three writers, ages 16, 25, and 35, mostly disagree about the best tunes of 2000. Written by Matt Farr, his cousin Kathryn Farr, and his other cousin Wythe Marschall.
Published 31 Dec 2000.

013 - George W. Bush...Satan?
Maybe the perception I have of George W. as a pinhead is exactly what Dubya wants us to think. What better way to disguise your true evil nature than by looking like the biggest jamoke that ever lurched into the Oval Office?
Published 21 Dec 2000.

012 - A Christmas Love Poem
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 
I profess my love for my wonderful wife in a romantic, silly way.
Published 13 Dec 2000.

011 - I married a vegetarian
Tofu ain't so bad if you flavor it with enough chili pepper and onions. But it's laughable the lengths that vegetarian food companies go to approximate "real" meat products. Take hot dogs. Tofu hot dogs are for the struggling vegetarian. It's like your Uncle Ted, the recovering alcoholic, drinking near beer at the family picnic.
Published 4 Dec 2000.

010 - Skinny ties and all
In 1983, the ultimate song for a heartfelt slow dance with a sorority babe was "True" by Spandau Ballet. No other song came close. To my 18-year-old mind, it was the most romantic song ever recorded. When you're a teenager, music is everything.
Published 20 Nov 2000.

009 - Ozzy for President
Any man who can stomach biting the head of a bat can defeat the Heathen Bastards of Elsewhere with ease. Written by guest columnist Wythe Marschall, my teenage cousin. 
Published 6 Nov 2000.

008 - My White Trash Halloween
Every year, during the last two weeks of October, my wife likes to point out that ours is the only house in the neighborhood featuring a skeleton. On our front porch, a large plastic skeleton hangs from the ceiling. He wears a pink dress, striped ski socks, and orange Chuck Taylor All-Star hi tops. A spotlight illuminates the bony carcass for all the neighbors to see.
Published 31 Oct 2000.

007 - The Cyber Lottery - Buying URLs for fun and profit
This is what the Internet has become: a great new scam to make a fast buck. It's the new lottery. At $35 bucks a year per URL, any gambler with a decent chunk of cash and a fat dictionary can buy up a whole lot of URLs and hoard them until some fool and his money come along.
Published 17 Oct 2000.

006 - Secrets to attending classical music
Nothing will mark you more thoroughly as an amateur cougher than a misplaced cough during a performance. Bald men wearing black turtlenecks will flick boogers at you when you're not looking. Even the usher will go out of his way to seek retribution by spilling his flask of tequila on your tweed jacket.
Published 5 Oct 2000.

005 - Farewell to a friend - Gus the cat
This is a story about Gus the cat. He was one of the most wonderful cats that ever lived. He died a few months ago, in July. This is the story of who he was, and how he lived.
Published 26 Sept 2000.

004 - Football: America's Drug of Choice
The numbers for "hard drugs" are so small that Dr. T.D. Ektrapointa, the well-known football addiction therapist, recently wrote, "In comparison to football addicts, frequent heroin users are like a pimple on the ass of John Madden."
Published 18 Sept 2000.

003 - Princess Diana & JFK Jr. vs. Kurt Cobain
A few weeks ago, August 31, was the third anniversary of Princess Di's death....Why would anyone feel the need to expunge their uncontrollable grief over the death of someone they did not know, with whom they had no personal relationship, and who was a highly privileged, wealthy member of an archaic aristocracy to boot? It just doesn't make any sense to me.
Published 11 Sept 2000.

002 - HTML Dreams
If you've ever studied a foreign language, you've probably experienced the weirdness of non-English dreams. So here's the weird thing: lately I've been dreaming in HTML.
Published 4 Sept 2000.

001 - Toilet Seat Blues
C'mon people! Here's a challenge worth fighting for. After all, if we can put a man on the moon, the least we can do is put peepee in the bowl.
Published 27 Aug 2000.

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Send email to matt@rustybrain.com

©2001 Matthew Farr